$3 tip and poop on the table

The holidays are great for many reasons, one of which is the shenanigans that we seem to get into with those who are closest to us - our family. We had a fun laugh-so-hard-your-sides-hurt evening on New Year's Eve, one so fun that I knew I had to blog about it.

The whole evening started when John, Heather, Mackenna, Hillary, and I decided to ring in the New Year - or rather just ring in dinner on New Year's Eve - at Texas Roadhouse. We had a good time chatting, identifying Nascar drivers whose caricatures were hanging on the wall, and trying to get Mackenna to dance to "Sweet Home Alabama". The service was okay, but there were a few inconveniences like having to dig our own silverware out of the silverware bin (rather than ask for silverware Hillary just decided to grab some herself) and having to send a stack of ribs back because we ordered chicken - then having to correct the bill when it came because we were charged for the ribs. To be honest, the service wasn't horrible. Our waitress was cordial enough, just not completely on top of things. Well, about the time that we got our checks (and about the same time that we were trying to get Mackenna to groove out to Lynard Skynard) we noticed that Mackenna was making faces that usually indicate that a diaper was getting its fill. We waited for her to finish, and as John was writing "$3.00" on the TIP line of his check (which was about 10% of the bill), we hear Heather gasp "Oh Mackenna!" as she begins grasping for anything napkin-like on the table. Mackenna had filled her diaper to maximum capacity, and it was oozing up her back. There were only a few paper napkins on our table, which were quickly utilized. We couldn't use the napkins our stolen silverware came in for back-up because they were cloth, so our only other alternative was the wax paper sitting in the roll baskets, which we scrambled for to donate to the cause. Heather did the best she could with the given resources and cleaned up enough poop while she was table-side to make her daughter transportable. She wadded the poop up in wax paper and tossed it on the table as she raced Mackenna to the bathroom. At the same time, John raced out to the car to find a change of clothes for the little darling.

We left shortly after Mackenna had a clean behind - and back. This is the grin she plastered on her face for a while after the fact. There's a good reason for that one - we walked out of there leaving a $3 tip and poop on the table.

What makes this experience doubly fun is the fact that all week our family had been tossing around lines from a day-by-day calendar entitled "Butter my Butt and Call me a Biscuit!"

For example:

January 15: If you're angry with someone, you might say..."You're not worth the spit to cuss you".

January 20: If someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes, you might say... "Don't pee down my leg and tell me it's rainin'."

January 22: When someone is mad at you, you might want to say..."Who licked the red off your candy?"

How about the Clemens family line?

When you feel you've been hussled, you might say..."That's as good as a $3 tip and poop on the table."